Bullies Have Feelings, Too…

…I just haven’t figured out where they hide them. I’d like to ask the boy that tormented my son last year what he enjoys doing after school. What movies he watches or games that he plays. Is he more tech/computer geek or more of a sports fan? Is he a real person in there? Somewhere?

He lives in our neighborhood. When they were 7 or 8 years old, he even invited my son to his birthday party. They both played with Bakugans at the time and I think the party was good fun for everyone.

Sometime in the middle of the year last year, during 5^th grade, this boy started harassing and bullying my son. I only know part of the story and a few of the things he said –

Handicapped.

Useless.

Stupid.

He got the other boys to laugh about it. Yeah, that sounds so f*cking funny. He made sure that the others brushed my son aside and made fun of him, too.

At home, our son didn’t say anything, but he acted explosive. The littlest thing would set him off:  ranting, yelling, slamming things, tearing into his sister.

What’s wrong with you?

Nothing.

The boy’s parents used to say hi, good morning to me out on the street. Now I don’t exist. This works for me—I’m not necessarily blaming them for how their son acts, but…… Would I have the strength, the good graces to say hi if our shoes were switched around? I’d like to think I would, but it’s so unimaginable for me for my son to be the kid who is mean. Maybe they felt the same way until the teachers called and filled them in.

Our family’s home is where we are allowed to be ourselves without being judged or mocked. As much as possible, we keep it a haven from fear, violence and the ugliness that is out there—right out there as soon as you step into the big world. The country where we live helps, and for the most part there’s not too much to fear, but it’s still out there.

No matter we do at home, ugliness worms its way into our lives. The teachers called me to tell me what they had noticed. Unfortunately, it was during the very last days of school, so no time for a big conference, but they did hook my son up with the school psychologist and contact the other kid’s parents. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Just because the bullying stops, though, doesn’t mean everyone starts being friendly. The 6^th grade classes (my son and the other boy are in separate classes this year) left for ski camp this week. This is real thing in Switzerland. The kids were choosing roommates, and my son overheard the boy in his group of friends –

I can’t stand him, I’m not getting stuck in a room with him!

Jeez, kid, would it kill you to be nice or at least keep your d@mn opinions to yourself?

The morning that camp started, I drove my son and all his gear to the meeting point and had to stand around watching while he wandered from one group of peers to the next, trying to fit in, talk, joke, or be noticed. I saw myself at that age, kicking up stones on the playground, pretending I preferred to be alone, wondering if the other girls invite me to their girl huddles if I was prettier.

I don’t mind being alone in crowds. I know I’m an introvert and I have fought enough battles (metaphorically) to stand on my own all by myself when necessary. But I’m screaming and trying not to die a little inside when I see my son peering over the shoulders of his classmates so he can pretend to be part of the crowd.

What goes through the minds of these bullies and mean-spirited popular kids? Never having been one, I have no idea. When the students filed onto the tour bus, my son sat by himself.

One Swiss teacher, when confronted with a case of bullying and harassment between 8 year olds, reportedly said, “Children can be cruel.” Then she did nothing to rectify the situation.

Children can be very cruel, every adult knows it’s true. Nature is cruel.

The Nazca booby, a Galápagos Island seabird, lays two eggs at a time. The first one is a day or two older and therefore hatches a day or two earlier. When the second egg hatches and the younger sibling emerges trembling, small and weak, the older one proceeds to slaughter it. This behavior has been linked to hormones which in turn guarantees a higher survival rate of the one chick left in the nest. A natural example of weeding out the weak or survival of the fittest.

Nature is cruel.

It could have been worse for my son. He says the psychiatrist taught him how to stand up for himself. The 8 year old girl from the other school was harassed to the point of contemplating suicide. In 2012, three children between 10 and 14 actually committed suicide in Switzerland.

I hate that this happens. Hate it. There shouldn’t be any weeding out of the vulnerable or different. I wish we could invite that boy over for movies and geeky computer games – because I know there is a real kid in him. Somewhere. And he isn’t mean or evil. I don’t believe that the parents or families of bullies raise their kids to be cruel; on the contrary I think most parents want their kids to be healthy, happy and kind. They want them to succeed.

I want those kids to see the hurt they cause and to feel the hurt they have inside that lets them do it.

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